ADHD reflections

Six months into my ADHD and anxiety diagnosis, here’s what’s up.

I actually wrote this as a journal entry to help myself sort out my feelings and feelings. Cos there were a loooot of feelings and thoughts hahaha. All jumbled up. (I used to think journaling - different from writing blog posts apparently in my mind - was a load of nonsense but it is a legit hack.)

So here it is.

Aud’s ADHD reflections

• The last six months were an emotional roller coaster. I vacillated between accepting my diagnosis and disbelieving it and feeling like a “imposter”. Or that I was using ADHD as a “crutch”. Anything that happened, I’d wonder if it was my ADHD or just me being me.

• After a while though, it dawned on me that the ADHD was me. There was no point in trying to differentiate whether it was an ADHD trait or my own characteristic because they were one or the same. Whatever is “ADHD” about me is just…. me.

• The diagnosis doesn’t matter, not to me anyway maybe because I don’t plan to get medicated. You might be diagnosed or you may not, you may choose to medicate or you may not. But it seems to me that what’s more important is to really get to know myself more, to identify the root causes behind the traits or symptoms I display and then I can work on your issues.

• I didn’t believe I had ADHD cos I’m so high achieving lol. But I think maybe it could be that my ADHD is mild, and also, I’ve made it work for me. So maybe the question to ask instead is “Does your life suit your personality & ADHD?”
  
  Things about me that may be ADHD but I didn’t know, growing up until now:

• schoolwise: did very well, often based on memory, last minute work and homework. I either pick things up naturally and quickly or “fake” it - but there are certain things I cannot and would not understand or do - banking and finance, econs, statistics, IT? I am a total failure; I avoided them aggressively, eg skipped any exam question on statistics totally, throw away unopened bank statements, didn’t file taxes for years, and put all my money in current accounts wtf.

• reading all the time - I read at meals (still do), read shampoo bottles in the shower, read while applying skincare wtf. (The people who asked me how come I have time to read so much — this is why lol.)

• fidgeting minutely, playing with my hair

• often bored. I must always fill my time with something. My chosen activities as a child were quiet and studious though (writing, reading, drawing) so I presented as a model child

• I bring a book/Kindle everywhere lest I get bored

• disorganized: can never find things, notes are scribbled on random sheets of paper I then lose, can’t keep track of important documents, don’t close drawers…

• forgetful: forget tasks if I don’t write them down, forget incidents that happened, forget to put things in my calendar, forget appointments or double book, forget to bring essentials out with me, buy souvenirs for friends and forget to give them….

• careless, miss details out or don’t notice them

• room and house a mess (if I had no helpers)

• either give a long back story when telling a story or say something halfway cos in my head the other person already knows wtf

• very sensitive to criticism :/ I’ve been reading about RSD and I’m pretty sure that’s me

• very sensitive to other people’s feelings: even other people’s hurt can feel like a physical ache to me

• very sensitive to unfairness or injustice (it’s why I have kempen sopan santun, among other things :’) )

How have I lived a seemingly successful life then, I asked.

How ADHD works in my favor:

• I get dopamine hits from learning and gaining new information [I guess this is why I enjoyed school and learning]

• I get dopamine from mastery [of new skills, but I’ve also dropped a lot of things I grew bored of - swimming, art class, piano, taekwondo, electone, ukelele, Youtube videos, parenting workshop]

• Hyperactivity tends to be subtle, non-disruptive or internal [toes or fingers twitching, playing with hair, racing thoughts, songs stuck in head], so I never got in trouble

• Shame at being “lazy” [Maybe cos I’d thought all my last minute work, procrastination, losing focus, losing interest amounted to laziness, as an adult I channeled all my energy into “not being lazy” and “being productive” and “achieving”. 10/10 would not recommend productivity powered by shame though wtf]

• Perfectionistic tendencies (something I only developed in adulthood) would make me work very hard to be productive or achieve because I can’t take being criticized or being a “failure”. Probably ties in with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which I’m very sure is an ADHD trait I have.

• People who think I’m “superwoman”: There are a couple of reasons why I pack my schedule and try out different things; I’m easily bored and find new things interesting. There’s also intense shame (which I probably need to unpack in therapy wtf) and I push myself to do all of these things is simply because without external pressures and deadlines I will let myself rot on the couch. School, work, and volunteer commitments give my life a structure that makes it easier to fit the rest of the stuff I need to do around instead of having to manage vast, open expanses of time.

Life circumstances helped too:

• I had a very structured childhood; my mom created a very predictable, regular environment and high expectations for me to follow

• I have lotssss of domestic help. Without our helpers, there’s no way my closet, room, and house would look this organized and neat.

• I think my mom basically passed the baton on to husband wtf. Fatty also gives me a lot of structure which really works since I tend to have issues with self control

• I found careers that suited me! Media planner, social media specialist, content creator, interior design and what I do at Colony; they all have clear things in common - creative work where I get to move around, meet new people and experience new things

I’ve been online reading and researching about ADHD for monthssss and one thing that really fascinated me was other people’s experience living the ADHD life, especially adult women like me, many of whom were diagnosed in adulthood (like me too!). I’ve learned that there is a massive range of combinations of symptoms so that it can show up very differently in everyone.

I’m also aware that other people seem to struggle with it a lot more than I do, which is what created that denial that I had it too. I’m not like them. They have it hard. Don’t let it be an excuse to stop going.

It’s not an excuse and I’m not stopping. While I may seem “together”, the cost of looking “put together” and “productive”, I realized that its created a lot of internal shame and….hatred. T_T Don’t think either one is better than the other hahaha.

Thank you for reading!

Aud x.