All The Things I Did to Help My Kids Build Grit

...and some others I didn't but you can.

This post is the second and final part of my grit mini series. You can read the first post here.

Grit is a topic that’s very much on parents’ minds these days. It was one of the topics my parenting students and I heavily discussed when I ran my Parenting On Purpose program. How do we make sure our kids develop grit? Why does it matter? What is grit even?

So what is grit? And what is resilience? Perseverance? How are they different from each other? And why do they matter?

Grit

In recent years, grit has been popularly defined by psychologist Angela Duckworth as “passion + perseverance”. I know some other parties have disputed this definition, but Ms Duckworth’s definition has stuck in recent times. It’s what keeps you going over the long haul — even when progress is slow, success is uncertain, or motivation dips. It’s about commitment more than results.

Resilience

Resilience is your ability to bounce back after setbacks. It’s more about recovery than consistency. You get knocked down, feel discouraged, maybe even consider quitting, but you come back anyway.

Perseverance

Perseverance is continuing forward despite difficulty. It overlaps with grit but doesn’t necessarily involve long-term passion. It’s more short term but it means sticking to something despite obstacles or challenges.

For the sake of convenience of this post, I’ll just refer to all the above as “grit”. Call it what you will — grit, perseverance, resilience, tenacity, I think the main question here is:

How do we cultivate in our kids the ability to stick with something even when it’s hard, to overcome challenges and keep going and to not give up so easily?

I wasn’t the grittiest kid. My mom would sign me up for things — piano (keys too heavy to press), art class (kids were clique-ish and I had no friends), swimming (hated having to compete in swim races with the other kids), — and I’d last maybe a few months before deciding I didn’t want to go anymore.

Looking back, maybe it was because these weren’t things I was actually interested in; they were things my mom thought I should do. Whatever it was, because I was such a serial quitter, I went through childhood never thinking very highly of myself. Never having that sense of achievement (except when it came to exam results). I didn’t see myself as a person with much abilities. I didn’t feel courageous. Even when I did well academically, the feeling was less pride and more “yea I should be cos there’s nothing else I’m good at anyway”.

It was one of the things that was at the forefront of my mind when I got pregnant. Because somehow along the way of growing up, I had somehow developed tenacity. Maybe it was because for once, I was doing things I chose for myself. I discovered the joy in trying and then go on doing when it got hard. The feeling of worth in breaking through and seeing myself.

I didn’t want my kids to go through the same thing I did as a child. I wanted them to try new stuff and not shy away when things got in their way. I wanted them to believe in themselves and feel proud of themselves. I don’t necessarily want them to be “high achievers” but just… people who could face challenges and not give up.

If you’re also thinking about how to help your child develop grit or resilience here are some things you can do:

Help Them Identify Interest and Pursue It

Half of grit is basically “passion”. Without passion or interest, it very quickly becomes burnout. Allow them the space to try things out without pressure to stay with it or even perform.

When kids are younger they might not know for themselves what they like or don’t like. We did our best to strike a balance between offering them activities we thought they might like and also letting them try out stuff they chose. I mentioned in my last post that in starting Penny on ballet, I just wanted to see her in a fluffy tutu but Penny reminded me that she did want to try herself after she saw her classmate doing it hahaha.

Likewise, Fighter did wushu for about six months because he was into Jackie Chan movies wtf.

Focus On The Journey Rather Than The Outcome

In the past year or so, Penny graduated to doing dance competitions. I was very clear that I did not want the results of her competition to form her self-identity so I made sure to talk about her efforts and hard work, rather than winning or losing. After each competition, no matter if she placed or not, I ask her: how did she think she did this time? Was she satisfied with her own performance compared to her last try? Her bar for comparison would always be her past self, not other dancers.

Again, the same for Fighter — whether or not he got chosen for the school dodgeball team didn’t matter as much whether he could see his own improvement.

The world is going to tell them they’re not good enough. Make sure you counter that by making them focus on their own growth, rather than an arbitrary result.

Model grit yourself

They’re watching more than they’re listening.

They’re not around when we play pickleball but I talk to them about it — how it’s so hard for me to skill up but I keep going anyway cos I really like it. I talk about my pickleball experience, comparing it to Fighter’s dodgeball cos we really are very similar. *cough* It lets him know that he’s not the only one struggling and he can get through it with grace.

But it doesn’t have to just be a sport - it could be showing up at work even when when you’re tired. Doing whatever you can to complete a homework assignment. Trying harder for the next spelling test.

Don’t let them quit just because it’s hard.

When Penny got bored of ballet because it got repetitive at one point, I asked her to see through that phase of her studies then only decide if she would quit. I was all right if she quit, but not because it got too hard or boring. I didn’t want her to start thinking that it’s okay to leave when the going gets tough.

When Fighter had stage fright on his solo singing performance at musical theatre school, I found him backstage, sobbing and hyperventilating. My heart was aching and all I really wanted to do was sweep him into my arms and take him home. But I knew that if he was ever going to go back up on stage, he had to do it now. If he went home without conquering that fear, the fear would conquer him; the memory of it would eat at him. He would think that the fear was stronger than him.

So in spite of even some teachers telling me it was okay, I pushed. I coached and coaxed and counselled and got him back on stage to redo his song.

Terrified, he did it anyway.

Afterwards I asked him how he felt. Amazing. Brave. Like he could do anything. And with that, he learned that he was stronger and more capable than the fear, doubt and pain.

He went from singing to parents to doing musical style corporate shows hehehe.

Let them quit when it’s not right

That’s not saying the kids never quit anything ever. Both kids dropped piano. Fighter quit wushu and robotics. Penny quit gymnastics. Because I don’t think everything has to be a “teachable moment” either. There’s no point in forcing perseverance if the child just isn’t interested.

There is a difference between what’s hard but worth it, versus what is a wrong fit.

When Fighter was really struggling with dodgeball, I had every mind for him to just stop and do something else. But the passion for it is still there with him and he made up his own mind to plough on. If that’s not grit I don’t know what is hahahaha.

My point though, is that if he wanted to give up dodgeball, it would have been perfectly reasonable because it may not have been right for him.

My favorite part of all this is that grit/perseverance/resilience/whatever is not something you either have or you don’t. It’s something we can help our children grow. Something that is grown between fear and courage, joy and effort, and most of all, between a child and their sense of self.

Until next time guys.

Aud xx