Confessions of a mom influencer

Have you heard about the case of Ruby Franke? She was an American former family vlogger and at her peak she had probably a couple million subscribers on Youtube. The details elude me but she was this huge mom vlogger who posted almost everything related to her kids - even the embarrassing, vulnerable moments - before she went off the rails, and dived into child abuse and torture. She was charged and is serving jail time of up to 30 years now.

News of this has been all over Tiktok and Youtube the past year or so. The kids know all about this case, I know about this case so when the Hulu documentary came out, I suggested we watch it together. So we all got our snacks and drinks and cuddled in front of the TV together.

Lots of terrifying, sordid details have been revealed on social media already so I was prepared to feel shock and horror and disgust and maybe ome sort of high handed judgment on this terrible mother.

I did feel all those things. I also felt an uncomfortable sense of familiarity with what was happening to Ruby Franke and her family. Because there was such a thin line between her and me. And that scared me.

Ruby Franke started by posting videos of her young family which eventually went viral and turned her into ‘America’s Favorite Mom’. I started blogging as a skinny, clueless 19 year old who obviously didn’t have a family but had her college years ahead of her.

I blogged about anything and everything in my life and that became a pattern I grew up with - sharing my life, thoughts and experiences online and connecting to people that way was very fulfilling for me and it still is now. As I grew up, got a job, got married and then started a family, it became natural to share about my life with Fatty and the kids. Motherhood was a whole new, wondrous journey and I was just about bursting with pride and love. Fighter was born after a very difficult pregnancy — I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and at the risk of sounding dramatic, there were times that I nearly died and we nearly lost Fighter. Blogging and updating Instagram kept us sane and we gained so much comfort from our followers.

Life was full of adorable, heart string tugging moments. I didn’t want any of them to simply pass me by. So, like every other young parent in the 21st century, we snapped photos to catch memories until our phones ran out of space. Then I shared the best ones.

It felt harmless — after all, these were my memories. Sharing our lives felt communal, like we were all part of this giant, loving family.

Twelve years ago was somehow a different time from now: when Fighter was born, people didn’t think too much about sharing photos and videos of their kids. Fast forward ten years later. Today the critters are 10 and 12. From rounded babies with Michelin tire arms and tottering toddlers, they’ve evolved into these amazing, lanky, sassy individuals with their own voices, opinions and personalities.

I don’t have my camera in their faces at all hours of the day, 7 days a week like Ruby Franke seemed to with her kids. But the signs started coming. And they were so obvious there was no way Ruby Franke would have missed them (unless she was really that deluded or just dgaf about her kids): their friends telling me they had seen my Tiktoks. Them complaining when I held my phone up. Them telling me outright not to post things. *sheepish face*

I received the message loud and clear: these were their stories, they were not mine to tell.

And yet it was a hard pill to swallow. I’m ashamed to admit it but I think I understand how Ruby Franke (before she went batshit at least) felt. It was about love. It was also about pride. And it was intertwined with my own personality, persona, career and income in a dark, complicated, jumbled tangle.

Honestly it feels great when people celebrate your kids with you. But that praise can subtly fuel the urge to share more - to curate your own special version of family life to show - for attention, adoration, money. And when you’re playing with such high stakes as Ruby, it’s honestly too easy to succumb and lose your way.

Thankfully I am a very different person than Ruby and I did not succumb. Ruby was unhinged. But that’s not to say I don’t understand how easy it is to keep going down that path and take tiny little steps further until you finally slip off the cliff and free fall into something you will regret forever.

So I sat down my kids and we had a serious family discussion. We all know about privacy and identity issues but the flip side was my social media had also brought the kids all sorts of perks and opportunities that they really enjoyed and utilized. We decided that there would be no performing. Zero pressure for them to shoot any videos or photos unless they wanted to. As a whole, I reject sponsored posts that ask for the kids’ involvement, and only accept if the kids want to. I don’t post anything without their consent, and never anything even remotely embarassing.

If you’ve followed me closely over the years, you might notice I post much less often about them now. It’s not only because they’re growing up but it was a purposeful decision on my part to shift my sharing perspective, to focus on my experience as a mother rather than exposing their private lives.

When they were little kids, I used to do a lot of vlogs on family life. That ended too because it took too much away from us; I was always behind the camera and realized that I was not an active participant in our family but just an observer (who then spends hours editing videos wtf).

I may not get it right all the time. Even writing this, who knows how much flak I may receive. But I have no judgment towards whoever you are and whatever people choose to do with their families. Our solution might not be perfect. But it’s a promise to myself and to our family to be aware and choose protection over performing and to honor our kids as full, complex individuals.

Aud.