Happy birthday to me and an unexpected development

...and getting diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.

I turned 39 last week! You’d have thunk at the ripe ol’ age of 39 I’d know everything about myself but no.

I don’t know how to start so I’m just going to vomit everything out here.

So if you read my last post, I suspected I was burnt out and was on the cusp of going on a journey of self discovery and reflection and recovery.

I did not expect how that would turn out hahaha.

I made an appointment with Fatty’s doctor (a psychiatrist) who also saw Fighter when he was fighting panic attacks. She’s almost like my family doctor already wtf.

I was already pretty sure it was burnout but I also decided to just see a professional to rule out anything else just in case, and to get help with the burnout.

We spoke for an hour and she assessed me, and finally she said, “You are burnt out. You also have ADHD.”

I was like no way. I am high achieving. I’ve been successful without too much hardship. I had no problems in school. I got straight A’s and graduated college with honors. I’m so productive with my time. I juggle multiple roles. I make friends so easily ever since primary school! I’m not impulsive at all, in fact I think I’m quite self-possessed and calm. I’m raising an ADHD child and I think we’re doing well. I am literally the last person to have ADHD.

She told me gently, “ADHD is hereditary. I’m going to give you some links for you to read up on and think about it and we can talk about this again.”

I left the clinic feeling bemused and in disbelief. I sus the diagnosis cos was ADHD just a catch all if nothing else seemed to be the problem? Just because I told her I’ve been careless and forgetful and ‘blur’ all my life? Why, I’d done extensive reading when Fighter was diagnosed - I knew about ADHD.

In the car I immediately started googling. In fact, I never stopped.

Here’s an excerpt from my journal that I wanted to share here:

I spent the whole weekend reading up about ADHD. Because I can’t believe it la ok I’ve always done so well I thought.

But going down the rabbit hole I do now think it could be possible espeically when i read about ADHD in women, compensation strategies for managing ADHD and high functioning or high achieving individuals with ADHD.

What I’ve learned is…

My ADHD shows up primarily as inattentive - I get VERY easily sidetracked and distracted. It takes me forever to get started on a task, or complete something. I make mistakes. Like A LOT. At least a few times a day, I lose something, forget something or find myself in ridiculous situations because I wasn’t paying attention; I even had a blog category called “AudSuay” cos of this wtf. Once I knew about the diagnosis, I started paying careful attention to myself. Just within a two hour window, I found myself going on a tangent off my initial task to do something else at least 3-4 times. I would start with one task and find myself doing something completely different. It always took me a while to remember what I was doing and get back to the first task.

When I was doing something that required a lot of brain power like a report or writing a speech, I checked my clock every time I noticed I got distracted. It was every two minutes.

Even this journal entry. I was writing it halfway and it honestly got too mentally tiring so I turned on my laptop to do my DD. And as of now I haven’t completed both.

I don’t think of myself as hyperactive or impulsive but apparently procrastination is a form of impulsivity too. I do play with my hair a lot - is that hyperactivity or just fidgeting?

I have sleep issues.

I’m definitely burned out.

I have managed well all my life because I have been compensating with - I suspect - a quick mind and productive coping strategies. Eg overcoming my lack of motivation by buying workout classes to make sure I’ll go cos I don’t like wasting money, making to do lists, trying to make use of my calendar. I still mess up la by regularly forgetting to put dates in the calendar wtf.

My symptoms are probably milder than others that’s why I’ve been able to cope so far? Definitely milder than Fighter’s la wtf.

But last year I did what was way beyond maybe my capacity to manage and thats when I realized I couldn’t do it. I was exhausted, burnt out, negative and sensitive.

Honestly, whether I do have it or not or how serious it is doesn’t really matter. There is a certain freedom in accepting this diagnosis - because it means maybe I’m not lazy, I just need the adrenaline of working last minute to be able to complete tasks and achieve. I’m forgetful, disorganized and all but it’s just the way my brain works, not that I’m doing anything wrong.

There’s something very freeing about this.

Even so, I had so many doubts. I was a veritable whirlpool of emotions.  First came shame, and it was something the doctor was very interested to unpack.  I guess I’d viewed myself as the “strong” one, the one who was capable of looking after Fatty and Fighter and Penny.  The unflappable one.   There was some embarrassment that I might have something that is most commonly associated with a 9 year old boy running around his classroom and speaking out of turn lol.

There was doubt.  Did I really have it though?  Was this an excuse, a “way out” for me? Everyone forgets things occasionally - why was I singled out? It felt attention seeking to me wtf. Like I’m so special LOL even though it’s not really a good thing?! My mind works in funny ways.

I did ask the doctor that though - doesn’t everyone forget now and then? Doesn’t everyone lose focus after a while? Where is the line between someone with ADHD and someone who doesn’t? She said it depends on the frequency and severity of the occurences and whether its impacting their lives, and productivity and goals. She likened it to “we’re all driving cars but you’re driving it with less petrol” lol.  Meaning I can do whatever I need to, only that it takes up more effort and energy to do the same things someone else is doing.

I went in for my second session with this in mind, but still with doubts. I stood there at the reception to register, couldn’t find my wallet, started tossing my other things aside to rifle in my handbag, a complete picture of chaos and confusion. I eventually found my wallet in my work bag - must have thrown it in there at some point - but not before the doctor spotted me and laughed, “Spot on diagnosis!”

So that’s what’s been going on with me! Can’t believe I have ADHD in my content now at age 39 wtf. I’ll be posting more, the more I learn!

Love,

Aud.