On juggling
I’m finally getting down to this! This blog post is about the challenges we women face juggling our various roles and societal expectations, and how I cope.
If you’re here you probably know me already. If not, let me give you a brief introduction of what I do: I’m married to a Fatty. We have two school age kids and a dog. I have two jobs, I run a coworking space company with Fatty and I’m also a content creator. I write this blog wtf.
Over the years, my social media posts have apparently gelled together to create the impression that I’ve got it all down.
I get a bunch of these DMs asking me how I juggle everything. How I can effortlessly handle both kids and work. How I’m a “superwoman”. How I got time to put on makeup wtf.
And that’s really the female dream, isn’t it? It’s such a talked about issue these days - women juggling our various roles, women structuring our lives and choices so that we have it all.
It’s not even because we want to do it. It’s because we have no choice. Society places all these expectations on women:
Take care of the kids
Manage the household
Keep the house clean
Put square healthy meals on the table
Contribute financially to the family
Maintain your financial independence
Look hot while doing all of the above
I’m pretty sure there’s stuff I missed out.
It must be said that men have it very different. Today, while the equalization of gender roles have made big strides, generally, especially in Asia, men are still expected to be the breadwinners (even if they may not actually be and the family is a dual income one). They are not expected to help fully with the household or the kids. If a husband does the chores, or he’s hands on with the baby, he’s such a good dad and husband! If a wife does all of the above, yea what isn’t that what she’s supposed to do. *breathes smoke through nostrils
Anyway, I’m digressing again. This is a topic for a whole other blog post but today is not the time for that.
I think women are super amazing la ok!! /self praise
We’re our own individuals but we’re also wives/partners, mothers, sisters, daughters, colleagues, bosses. Chefs, babysitters, drivers, business partners, teachers, counselors, party organizers… hahaha. Like it or not, women are expected to multi task and juggle multiple roles… and look gorgeous doing it. (Thanks, partriarchy wtf.) We hear it said that women are better at multi tasking, but is that in any way biologically proven? I don’t really think it’s due to biological forces but more that we have no other option. So if women being good at multi tasking is true, is it a fact of nature or nurture?
Back to the point (omg I damn cheong hei wtf). How do I juggle the billion things I apparently look like I’m doinh?
I never answered this for so long because the truth is, I felt like an imposter. I don’t consider myself great at juggling my roles. I don’t think I’m doing better than any other mom or woman out there because I have met some amazing, amazing women who are doing crazy things with their time. I just post on social media more lol.
I felt bad that through my postings I might have created the impression that I have it all together, because I don’t! The last thing I want to do is make others feel bad because I look like I’m nailing life while someone else may be struggling.
But today I will share what I do. Everyone’s situation is different, but I wanted to be honest by sharing my own experience, I can finally show you guys what it’s really like, and that I’m not a superwoman.
Keep in mind though that' I’m writing this from a working mom’s perspective so the stories I tell may be skewed towards balancing household, kids and work.
Accept help. Get help.
I think the biggest misconception people have about me is that I do it myself. I really don’t. The proverb goes, “It takes a village to raise a child”. In Wikipedia it means that ‘an entire community of people must provide for and interact positively with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment.’ While I fully agree with this definition, I also think it means that it’s very difficult for one person to do it all competently.
I do have help, lots of it. We have two helpers. My parents live in Klang Valley too, so if the need ever arises, I can count on them for help. We have a driver. So to be honest, whenever you guys comment that I’m superwoman lol I feel a bit uncomfortable because I’m not doing it alone. I’m just super privileged to have such a great support system.
So if someone offers to help you, take it. I’m not the kind of person who will die also finish a task just so I can say I did it LOL. If someone is around to help me open this jar, be my guest wtf. If Fatty says he can watch the kids while I go get my nails done, fine by me!
And if nobody offers, ask for it anyway! I find ways to arrange for help cos I think that no man is an island what! Find a trusted childcare if you need to. Hire a cleaner. Make friends with your neighbors and take turns to baby sit. We all coexist and saling membantu and where better to do this than in motherhood and housework. Find your village - whether paid or unpaid.
Figure out what brings value to you
Once you’ve gotten your support system in place (or you’ve figured out how you can get help or delegate tasks), it’s time to decide what is worth doing and what isn’t. This is obviously different for everyone, and would depend on your interests, challenges, and the direction you want your life to take.
For me, when the critters were babies, I had to figure this out early on cos their age difference was so small - 19 months - and Fighter was still a baby himself when Penny was born. Fighter still needed me while Penny didn’t know anything anyway. So when I wasn’t breastfeeding Penny or playing with her while she was awake, I spent more time on Fighter’s needs. I took him to play school, took him out for meals with Fatty and generally focused on making him feel like he wasn’t cast aside just because he had a new baby sister.
Another personal example - I don’t know if this is a good example but bear with me - let’s talk about, say, preparing baby’s food: would Fighter and Penny care who creates the food they’re eating? Or will they care that I’m hanging out with a spoon and their lunch, talking and playing with them as they eat? If I have only an hour to spare, would I rather be cooking, or feeding the kids? For me I’m not interested in cooking so the answer is obvious hahaha. But you do you! If you’re very particular about nutrition or you’re a foodie and you truly enjoy making the food your kids eat, by all means. Because that is something worth doing to you. You just have to figure out what holds value for you. What holds value for you?
Cooking and keeping them clean isn’t as important to me (lolol don’t judge wtf). Not to say don’t need to do! But I saw them as high labor low return wtf. Do a lot of work but doesn’t improve my life also. So I found baby food recipes I liked and taught our helper. I largely left bath time and diaper changes to our nannies. What matters more to me is quality time, bonding and teaching. So I do the bedtime routines with the bedtime stories and chats before sleeping. I do school runs even though we have a driver because we catch up and they tell me all about their day in the car. I organize our weekends and holidays so we build memories together as a family, whether it’s playing games at home or going on trips. I got a Thermomix and finally started cooking meals myself, not because of any particular interest, but because I wanted them to have memories of their mom’s food wtf hahahaha. #priorities
That’s just one example for when it comes to kids. I’m aware not everyone has helpers but today we have technology - there’s cleaning services, robo vacuums, dishwashers, pressure cookers, Thermomixes, to name a few.
The same applies to your career, family, hobbies and whatever else you have going on in your life. We only have 24 hours in a day. Take the time to figure out what is worth doing for you. Some tough decisions might be necessary. For example, some people may choose to put their careers on hold, or take a pay cut in order to gain more flexibility to care for their kids. Others may want to advance in their career for a more comfortable lifestyle. The only thing that matters is what’s right for you. Don’t invest your time in the things that don’t make an ultimate difference in your happiness, self growth, or relationships.
Focus on your priorities
Which brings me to this! Once you know what is worth spending time on to you, it’s time to focus on your priorities only.
Something that ranks very high for me is bonding with the critters and investing in their emotional and mental growth. Other things are work, cos that’s where the money comes from duh and I enjoy the challenge la; relationship with Fatty, cos that’s the foundation of our family; exercising, I don’t love it but I committed myself to my health; and my friendships, cos I’m super extroverted lol and that’s how I recharge.
So a typical day for me, if I manage to balance all these things, would look something like this:
sending kids to school and picking them up, sending them to activities if any
work - i.e computer work, meetings, site visits, creating videos, writing this blog post wtf, attending an event..
lunch catch up with the kids
a workout
dinner with friends or dinner at home with the family
TV time with the Fat one before bed
I’m not saying you need to make sure every single one of your important things fits into your day. That’s not juggling pffft. But there should be a flow. A balance in your life that allows you to devote your time and energy to your various areas of importance.
Again, if you notice, housework isn’t my priority hahaha. Cos I have helpers la but even if I didn’t, it still wouldn’t be. That’s because I have quite a high tolerance towards mess /shifty eyed. I can put up with piling laundry - if I have to buy disposable undies so be it WTF. I’m ok with sinks of dirty dishes. I’m fine if the kids don’t brush teeth for a night wtf.
Prioritizing means letting go of the things that you’ve determined aren’t your priority. It could be leaving dirty dishes for a night, putting up with unironed sheets, or leaving the office at 5 pm instead of OT-ing. It also means being okay with that. I personally don’t find it hard to do, maybe because I have a very easy going, lax nature, but I don’t know if it comes as easily to others?
All I can tell you is that you have to mentally prepare yourself that it is okay to let some things slide. Ask yourself, is this going to matter in a week? A month? A year? If no, they probably aren’t very important in the grand scheme of your life at all. Let it go.
Your priorities may change. So you may need to reevaluate what’s close to your heart every once in a while, and readjust. It’s something I noticed myself recently: my modus operandi all these years has been to be with the kids as much as possible. This means that barring work meetings or events that are immovable, I’m with them whenever they’re not in school. I arrange everything else for when they’re at school or when they’re in bed.
This year though, they’ve both picked up a variety of new activities and classes - between them, they do Chinese, Malay, Korean, ballet, piano, gymnastics, tap dance, badminton, occupational therapy. Their different schedules means I’m either ferrying them around at nearly any given time or waiting for them to finish class so we can go home. It’s broken up my time into such small fragments that I no longer have the luxury of longer blocks to complete my work. My quality of work suffered; it got to the point I felt I was being unfair to my colleagues and clients cos I was so unproductive and uninspired.
So I’ve had to reevaluate how I spend my time. I want to be there for the kids, but I also need to balance my work. They’re older and more independent now, seeing them a bit less is not gonna detach them from me wtf. So I’ve decided that if I need to, I’ll take a full day a week to just go into office/lock myself in the study and churn out work. For that day, pickups can be arranged between Fatty, our driver and helpers. Lunch can be handled by Sassy or ordered, no need home cooked food all the time. My balance restored. I readjust so I can still do what I need to, without sacrificing anything significant.
Accept less than perfection
Don’t sweat the small things. This is something I’m very good at wtf. I know it’s because of my nuah character la - I’m very easy going and lazy - like sloth-like level - and very tolerant of unexpected changes, because I’m too lazy to improve on something that I already find acceptable lol. I’m wonderful at throwing things that I consider unimportant out of my brain and I don’t think too much about practical problems hahaha. I rarely feel anxiety.
If you’re used to aiming for perfection or for the top spot or if you’re a control freak, I’m sure it’d be much harder to let go! Striving to do your best or wanting more control over a situation or outcome are admirable traits that a lot of successful people have, but if you’re hoping to balance a whole bunch of things on your plate, it can be easier to learn how to close an eye to when things don’t go your way.
And trust me, if things can go wrong, they will. Your boss will call for a last minute meeting just when your babysitter bails on you. Your Grab food will get canceled. The dress you planned to wear for dinner got hole wtf. Adapting to unpleasant last minute changes is one thing, but letting yourself get stressed over it is another.
Something has got to give. You are already probably juggling multiple roles that are all full time jobs in themselves. Even if we give our 100%, that has to be split between whatever how many things we’re doing. Instead of just giving it 100%, we need to also give to be give ourselves the space and self love to be able to accept imperfections and mistakes along the way.
The other day I was talking to my aesthetic doctor, Dr Teh from Beaulife. She’s a medical doctor, a business owner, and a wife and mom. She told me how she was late from work one day to pick her daughter up from school. Her daughter cried, and she felt terrible. She wasn’t giving her best at work or as a mom, she said. She felt like she was failing at all her roles.
I was like, how come you described everything I feel!?
How many of you reading this feel the same way?
We have to be kinder to ourselves. Again, if something isn’t going to matter in a week, a month, or a year, let it go.
Don’t compare yourself
Second lastly, stop comparing yourself. Social media is a scourge wtf. Don’t be watching all these “perfect” mom influencers online with our perfect makeup and hair, daily showers, gentle parenting, sleep trained babies who eat everything on their plates, our well mannered child prodigies. It’s not true! (Not all the time, anyway.)
We don’t show you…
The food our kids refuse to eat. The poonamis. Losing our temper and screaming at the kids. The sleepless nights. Dropping the baby. The urge to escape from the kids for a bit. The guilt when we finally schedule a trip without them. The stained t-shirts. The meltdowns.
Why, just yesterday Fighter pooped into a plastic bag and brought it into the kitchen to show me WTF. #kids #whygodwhy I explain this another day hahahaha.
So please. We’re all going through the same things. You’re doing well.
Arrange it so you can have your own time
Last one but I cannot emphasize this enough. If you can - and I strongly urge you to - arrange it so you have time to yourself every once in a while. A trip without kids, a spa day, even just a twenty minute coffee run by yourself to gather your thoughts.
I take my me time very seriously hahaha. I try to arrange meals with friends twice a week. I go to Number 76 and Nails Craft and Lejinglashes at least every 4-6 weeks to do my hair, nails and lashes just cos I feel better about myself when I look nice hahaha. I schedule workouts at least three times a week. Fatty and I take the occasional impromptu weekday lunches together just because.
Not saying I feel like it all the time - sometimes I get lazy thinking of sitting in a chair with my hands in a UV drier for two hours at a time, or driving out just to do a spin class, when I already have limited time, but I do it anyway because balance. I feel better overall if I don’t feel like I’m pushed to the wall with tasks and chores and deliverables. I’m able to think and plan better. And when my happy jar is filled, I can give more of myself to the critters, to Fatty and to work. :’)
But again, I need to clarify that I know I’m super privileged to be able to do this cos my kids are older, and we also have the luxury of reliable help. I really understand it’s easier said than done for me to encourage you to find your own time because everyone’s circumstances are different. But trust me, if you do, it will make a world of difference. Even just half an hour in a bubble bath! Like in plane emergencies, you need to take care of yourself before you can be there for the people around you.
I hope this blog post helped though in giving you guys some perspective. I really sat down and thought hard about what I do to make it work wtf just to write this blog post hahaha.
I think all it requires is some forward planning, the ability to chill and mostly being kind to ourselves. :) But overall, credit really goes to my village and an understanding family that I’m able to do what I do, honestly. I’m not doing it alone, but if I were to, I would have collapsed a long time ago.
So good luck ladies! (I know most of my readership are female la hahaha) Let me know if any of my tips helped. <3
Aud.
I wished my dad would feel a little bit guilty when i was at high school. School finished at 1pm. Dad came around 2pm or even 2.30pm. That time no mobile, have to stand at the agreed waiting spot, no chairs, while waiting to be picked up. Last time have to use public fon to call and asked when is he coming, keep saying on the way and make my siblings stand. When asked, dad answered busy with work. My legs almost broke, stand assembly enough torturing, need to stand and wait for pick up lagi.... Cham. But that was like 20 years ago... Can change? No, because dad cant changed.
Thank you Audrey for a reminder to not everything has to be perfect, it does not equate to failing if u cannot do one thing right. Loving ur nua energy because I am like that too, but I often feel bad when I nua. I need to learn about it is ok to nua