This year was full of achievements for me but I don’t feel fulfilled or happier. In fact I feel worse but ironically a year ago I thought setting and hitting goals would make me find some sort of purpose to life and make me happy. I’ve set and reached goals for the first time in my life but I’m more unhappy now than when I was goal-less and aimless.
I thought having aims would make me feel more purposeful and productive and therefore happier but it doesn’t seem to be the case. Is it that I’ve forgotten to enjoy the process? Before, I used to wake up every day and be happy or excited over the smallest things , even driving to pick up the kids would make me happy cos I’d find something to look forward to, like listening to music I like in the car. Maybe in the process of chasing my goals I’ve forgotten about the journey which is what I actually enjoy.
I feel like an imposter pretending to keep up the energy when I’m not feeling it. I don’t feel like having goals now. I don’t want to be the best just because it’s the thing to do and because everyone around me wants it. I want to slow down and remember how to love life again. But at the same time I do still want to be the best. Because I want the praise and the status and the money that comes with it. I want that sense of achievement and winning, that feeling of productivity and efficiency. I’ve tasted it and I can’t go back. But at the same time I don’t want to go there because after I’ve done it I feel empty. I’m so confused.
Maybe I need to still have goals but at the same time enjoy the process. Remember the small joys in being average and mediocre and just drifting. Is that possible? Is that really desirable? How do I reconcile these two diametric things?
What is important to me? Whatever was in my head, I let the keys clack and the words flow.
Authenticity
Peace
Enjoying the process
Not getting caught up in competition
Being authentic. This means doing things they are true to myself. In social media it’s posting what makes me happy, not what I think will get me the most likes. I have to figure out what I like to do and just do it. It’s been so many years that I can’t tell where I end and where social media chase begins anymore. Being authentic is what people like most about me too. I have to stop caring how many views or likes I get.
Enjoying the process. This ties in with being authentic I guess. I need to do what I like only and this will be the road to fulfillment - personally and financially I hope.
Not getting caught up in competition. I hate competition because I compare myself and it makes me feel inadequate. Not loved enough, not good enough. All my self worth issues coming out lol. But the problem is not competition I know it’s actually me. I need to know how to shift from being defeated by competition although I don’t know how.
Being at peace. This means being at peace and accepting of things that bug me. Competition. The fear of missing out. Feeling that I always need to be top choice. I may not be able to change things but I can change my reaction to them. I need to own myself for who I am. And remember that what has gotten me this far is just being myself and doing things I love in my own way and doing them well.
I am beloved. By my parents, brother, Tim, the kids and Butters.
I am giving.
I am funny. I am authentic and real.
I march(ed) to my own tune (although I’ve somehow forgotten that). And that was what worked.
Something has been off about me lately. My whole life, my base happiness level has been up there. I’m almost always happy. Okay, maybe happy isn’t the word but I’ve always been…. sunny. All my life. I woke up with a song in my head every single day. I got shivers of anticipation thinking of what lay ahead for me in the day even if it was just catching lunch with a friend, or a favorite playlist on Spotify. When I was upset or unhappy or angry, my happiness level would dip but very quickly it would rise up again without me needing to do much. It was as if I had a lifetime’s supply of happy pills.
The past six months or so, that buoyance dissipated. At first, I thought it was tiredness. I was running my parenting workshop, Colony had really ramped up. I struggled with anxiety and insomnia. I took fancy breaks, hoping they would help. I felt better, briefly, but the tiredness, irritability and negativity loomed once more.
I’m always on edge at work. At home, I snap at the kids. I look like I was listening when either my mind was a hundred miles away, or I was just waiting for them to stop so I could answer. I’m pretty sure they feel it.
I wrote the above in an effort to get in touch with myself. A “soul” searching, if you will. Maybe it will look like more writing in this space. :) This year isn’t about goals for me; this year my commitment to myself is to get to know myself again and find out what drives me, what makes me happy and reclaim myself.
It sounds like burnout to me. I think you might need to really switch off from everything for a week or something and refresh your mind. Spend time with yourself and just you. Do nothing, do something you love, anything, but do it with just yourself and no distractions so you can really recharge.
It also sounds like you need to ask yourself more "Whys" and find out the root cause of this feeling. Why do you feel inadequate? Is it because you have a deep rooted idea of who you should be or should have been vs who you really are? Why do you feel the need to keep up with the pace of "overachieving"? Why do you consciously or subconsciously think it's a bad thing going back to the mediocre and average? Societal pressures maybe? I think the sooner you come to terms with how you feel and make peace with it, you'll be able to let some things go so it doesn't weigh down on your shoulders anymore.
Not a psychologist... but I ask myself the same questions too sometimes. :)