The age after tantrums

If you're a parent of a preschooler and you're wondering what's next in the game of parenting, read this.

Hi everyone!

It’s been a few days since we got back from our annual family trip. Every year we try to take the kids on a big trip and this year, we picked Italy. We went to Rome, Florence and Venice over ten days and by the end I was ded lol.

Every trip we take, I observe the kids growing up a little more. Whether its from picking up new skills due to the new experiences they’re having or just because we’re all fully present, away from work and school obligations, to interact and spend time together, every year I’m amazed at how much they can do and their various independencies.

We sat on the train on the way back from Venice to Rome. Fatty was reading, the critters were both on their iPads, everyone having their me time. I sat across the aisle from them, watching them idly.

Fighter and Penny are 11 and 9, respectively this year. What occurred to me then, sitting in that plush seat in the high speed train from Venice, was that the kids are big. They left toddlerhood and preschool ages ago. They’re school age. In fact, they’re tweens - by definition, the ages between 10 to 12. They’ve entered a whole new phase of childhood, a phase defined as “too old to be a child, too young to be a teenager” lol.

As parents, we’ve been practicing peaceful/gentle/conscious'/intentional parenting for years now. In fact, it’s what I’ve been teaching and empowering parents with since I launched my Parenting On Purpose course. But even though you’re a coach and you know the principles, like the back of your hand, and you’re great at seeing the big picture of your students’ family situations, sometimes it’s not exactly that easy when it comes to your own kids. Hahahaha.

I dare say we’ve done a great job so far when it comes to the kids and working on their emotional regulation and empathy. People who meet them tell us they’re respectful, well mannered, warm, sociable. They engage with adults well and don’t take things for granted.

The kids are school age now so obviously they’re not having toddler tantrums anymore. But I am really proud of how they regulate themselves emotionally. Fighter in particular, does wonderfully in handling disappointment. When we were in Japan last year, he really wanted to go up to the mountains to see snow, but in the end we decided it would be too much work wtf. He was disappointed. He was quiet for a bit while he calmed down, but he shifted and moved on. No whining, no complaints. :’).

Another time, their cousins were down in KL and staying in a hotel near us. The plan was for a Saturday afternoon pool play date but Fighter had musical theater class. He was bitterly disappointed but stuck to the choice to go for class over going for a fun pool party with his sister and cousins. He’d signed up for this class was because he wants to be an actor, and he remembered to his goal. Emotional regulation is the ability to overcome emotions (in this case, disappointment) and setbacks and continue in pursuit of a goal, and he was able to do that on his own.

The same goes for Penny. Dance is her thing, and she now does up to six dance classes and competitive training a week, selected by herself, without intervention from me.

This did not happen by accident. Penny is pretty strong willed, but Fighter has a very chill, happy go lucky personality, and he’s entirely happy to give up goals wtf. It took years of coaching, being present, support and scaffolding to get to where we are.

So sitting in that train rushing through the Italian countryside, it came to me that this was now the next phase of life and learning for us, for them growing up, and for me as a parent. They’re able to manage their emotions. They are kind and compassionate. They’re well read and interested in the world.

There are three things I want my children to develop - empathy, resilience and responsibility. Empathy is the core building block of resilience and responsibility. I think we’ve got some of the empathy wtf but now it’s time to look at the resilience and responsibility. This will be the next thing we will tackle together!

I’ll be real - I don’t think we’ve been very good when it comes to resilience and responsibility. Like many millennial parents, I came to motherhood determined to be different, to be better than the generation before. I would be about love and acceptance, not punishment and shame. We give them so much love but I’m not sure we were very good at holding them responsible to their decisions all the time. True conscious parenting is intentional, gentle and peaceful, yet we set consistent boundaries.

We do set boundaries; at the same time I think I can be very fluid cos of my chinchai personality lol. While I don’t know how much of my “fluidity” has created this result - maybe it would still be the same, who knows? - I know I can do better. What matters most now is that I already built this connection with Fighter and Penny - based on trust and love - they know I’m in their corner always! - and really loving being with each other, and not just cos they have to and I feed them lol.

I took a good hard look at the kids, Fatty and myself. We all played a part to get here, and it will take all of us to navigate our boat to the next frontier (wah write so poetic wtf hahaha). And that’s exactly what I hope to create with the kids - the awareness that they both have a part to play in this family and WE can contribute to this family in a significant manner that’s unique to each of us. That they can make a difference, they are responsible for themselves but also to us as a family, and their contribution matters.

I’ve got a couple of ideas and I’m excited to start! If you’re in the same boat as me or you’re approaching this phase of parenthood, remember to subscribe to me for tips and updates.

Parenting really never ends, does it? I thought our job gets easier once they sleep through the. night, when they can tell us they’re hungry or when they go to school. Nah it doesn’t hahahaha. Sure, it gets less labor intensive. We’re not mashing up peas or slicing grapes or rocking them to sleep anymore. They’re in school half the day now. But now we gotta shift that focus to creating self sufficient, responsible human beings who will give back to the world. And that’s wayyyy trickier.

Even if we “get it all right”, it ain’t fool proof either. There’s no sure way to tell that if you do X, Y will happen. So many variables are involved and all we can do is our best. That starts with figuring out what you want for your kids.

So what do you want? :)