the rainbow after the storm

*cryptic* sorry this was written for myself. if it resonates with you wherever you are in your life, i welcome it.

months ago, something happened. it had actually been brewing for like a year or so, but as usual, blur me failed to realize. when i did, it was too late. nasi sudah menjadi bubur wtf. a friend who mattered very much to me was lost.

i panicked. i grieved. oh how i grieved. i tried to make amends. i spiraled, blaming myself, hating myself. i couldn’t forgive myself.

it’s been months now. a friendship might have died but what was born out of the ashes (lol) was the feeling that…i survived. i’m not diminishing what i did but also, i do not discount my intentions. i might have made the wrong choices but once the dust swirls settled and the anxieties put to rest, what i was left with was knowing. that i made have done some dumb things but that didn’t make me a bad person. it just made me a person who did some dumb things.

some mistakes are reparable, some irreversible. i so wish i could take back the hurt i caused, repair, but if my wrong is deemed irreversible, that is entirely their prerogative. i am not owed anything. and if this lesson had been any less painful, i couldn’t have learned it so well.

that i can make mistakes and that does not make me a bad person.

that i can lose people and that does not make me a lesser person.

that when i let go it is with sorrow but also with gratitude and peace.

that i can go on and i can be better.

that this was a turning point in my life that i needed.

and so i survive. not only survive, but thrive. she taught me so much about myself and in that gave me the tools to live freely. and for that i am grateful. for me that is love. and i hope the very same for her.