Updates from our family's screen time journey
It's been a ride.
Already hard enough to parent while learning how to parent on the job, and your only reference is your own parents, even harder when you have something completely new like screen time thrown in to the mix.
There’s always that struggle as to how much screen time kids should have. Some parents don’t allow it at all, some f.amilies do free for all, but most parents probably have some sort of limit in place. Whatever it is, I’m very sure it’s caused tension at least once hahahaha. It’s no different for us.
My kids are 9 and 11 now so I thought I’d share about the screen time journey in our household, the unconventional approaches we took, and how’s it going.
When the kids were much younger, people were only just starting to be more aware of the effects of screen time on children. There wasn’t that much awareness, and I definitely wasn’t aware of any guidelines in place at the time, only that too much screen time was not recommended.
I held off until…. we had Penny, the high needs baby wtf. [Penny is the reason why I don’t judge other parents for their loud, grumpy, strong willed kids LOL.] She was horrible at sitting at the table to eat her meals so as an exhausted mother worrying about nutrient intake, I caved. I started offering “Ipad time” at meals as if it was an appetizer and it worked like a charm. They happily sat there and accepted anything we stuffed in their mouths. O_O
In fact, it worked so well that they started eating slower and slower, hoping to prolong their screen times. They hacked the system!
So I switched it up. By this time they were in kindergarten and more able to listen to reasoning. Instead of eating and watching ipad, meals were now screen-free. Instead, they each got half an hour a day of ipad time, provided they sit and eat properly.
In time, sitting and eating proper meals stopped being an issue, of course, but the half hour screen time limit continued all the way till this year, when they were 9 and 11. I didn’t even realize this much time had passed since the introduction of the limit, and the limit had never changed. Guidelines for their age say they can get up to 2 hours of screen time a day but they were still at 30 minutes, and having to cut their friends off in the middle of games, much to their chagrin hahaha.
Call it peer pressure if you will. Or the encroachment of a world filled with technology just waiting to invade our kids’ bedrooms. By this point, both kids had not just their own ipads, but their own phones as well, gifted to them last year in a moment of anxiety between me and Fatty, when they moved schools to one that had much longer hours and was much further away from our house. [If you’re debating whether to give your kids their own phones yet, hold off as long as you can. There’s not many things I regret in my parenting but if I could go back in time and change my decision, I would. T_T]
We were fighting a losing battle. We had limits on their screen time, sure. But their friends were calling. They were falling in the habit of picking up their phones whenever they were bored, screen times be damned. Fighter was even watching youtube videos when he was brushing his invisalign aligners wtf.
So as a family, we embarked on a journey of discovery. Basically throw everything at the wall and see what sticks hahahaha.
The Media Plan
First we tried a media plan. Since the kids were older, we wanted to try a more collaborative approach where the kids could take some personal responsibility and I also wanted them to be clear on our expectations.
I found this idea online, and it essentially is a sort of a screen time “contract”. It would line out the terms of their media use - time limits, where screen time could be used, where and when it was off limits, allowed apps and websites, etc. The kids would have to sign off on it, and we would review it in six months.
Here’s what our contract looked like.
In theory it’s an excellent idea. It worked for us for a couple of months. But the creeping magnet of screen time proved too much for Fighter especially, and I found myself constantly nagging at him and reminding him, “media plan”. He was cranky, I was cranky, I hated how our relationship was affected and I definitely did not intend to spend the rest of my child raising years angry and nagging.
The ‘Other Times’
Someone recommended I read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haight, basically about the horrors of screen time, and I got Fatty to read it too. I was suitably terrified but Fatty had a different perspective; to him, every minute spent on the screen was a minute less spent on other normal childhood activities, things that would develop skills and experiences.
So we came up with a novel proposal based on this. Instead of having time limits which would lead to potential breaks and me enforcing it, why not remove time limits entirely, but require them to fulfil certain requirements before they were allowed to use their screens?
Outdoor time: time spent playing outside, 30 mins
Creating time: time spent on creation - building Lego, drawing, writing, baking, programming, etc, 20 mins
Reading time, 20 mins
Social time: time spent forming social connections with the neighborhood kids (could also overlap with outdoor time) or with family members, 20 mins
We didn’t want to be asking them if they had done the ‘Other Times’ so both kids created a sign each to tack on their doors, which they would check off daily to indicate they had done their requirements.
This worked great… until it didn’t. lol. By the time they’re done with school, extra activities, homework, chores, and the Other Times, that left them with maybe an hour to play computer games/watch Youtube/whatever on weekdays. An hour is a decent amount of time, but not excessive.
Then the year end school holidays hit. With so much free time on their hands, they quickly finished all the requirements and then they were left with huge chunks of time to do nothing else but go on screens.
Penny continued to be diligent. First thing in the morning, she would methodically go through all her requirements and get them out of the way. Then she had the whole day to do whatever she wanted.
Fighter on the other hand, struggled with this much freedom. The more screen time, he had, the more addicted he got. He started to leave off fulfilling the ‘Times’. He got grumpy and resentful when we reminded him. Most troubling of all, he started to not want to do anything else; when asked to leave his computer, if we had a family outing for example, he would get moody and on edge and was just not a joy to be with.
Back to the drawing board. We brought this up to discuss as a family. Fighter acknowledged that he got grumpy and emotional whenever he was pulled away from the screen, basically withdrawal symptoms. But he couldn’t help himself; once, twice, three times, it continued to happen.
It was a long, tense, tearful discussion that spanned several days. I was hoping he would come up with a suggestion (I didn’t want to force any new decisions without genuine agreement from Fighter) but he couldn’t bring himself to say cut his screen time, he was that deep into it.
Eventually I suggested we revert back to the Media Plan limit, but not just half an hour. I asked him to propose a time limit he felt comfortable with, and we settled for 1.5 hours a day.
Media Plan 2nd edition
And that’s where we’re at now. A couple of days into this 1.5 hour thing, we checked in on how he was doing. Surprise surprise, he was doing great. *thanks Buddha*
1.5 hours was a decent amount of time, and he would ration himself to 30 minutes at a time throughout the day. When he wasn’t on the computer, he would walk around the house, talk to us, troop outside to play, look for the neighbors and his cousins. He’d make himself snacks, including bake Oreo cakes via recipes he’d get off Youtube. Basically he did all the things we required of him in the ‘Other Times’ without actually being required to.
The best part really though, is that he said he felt good because (in his own words), “I feel more productive.” Since he knew he had limited time, he became a lot more efficient on the computer, working on his programming and making videos, rather than just mindlessly watch Youtube videos and waste time.
Blew my mind hahahaha. Because I’m the kind who needs to set timers for myself to get myself to work efficiently wtf. In fact as I write this blog post, my phone timer is ticking away next to me, creating a sense of urgency which pushes me to focus and just write hahaha. He’s really my son wtf.
Why I’m writing this blog post is because I’ve been reflecting on our parenting journey and the things I’ve learned in this screen time conundrum.
Here’s what I learned
I want parenting to be a collaborative process
For sure there are times when authoritarian style parenting would seem so much simpler - just put our foot down and no need to think further lol. But in the long run, it would just create more problems: resentment, loss of trust, power struggles…
I’m very sure that’s not the kind of dynamics I want in our family. I want us to make decisions based on mutual agreement and reasoning rather than just because the adults say so. I want the kids to feel heard and grow up with a strong belief in their own value. To practice making sensible judgments for their own lives. And… this is hard for me (Fatty is really good at this) but I want them to learn how to defend their own positions even if that is against my own preferences.
So instead we have family discussions. We ask for feedback. We try to make decisions based on mutual agreement. And it’s working because instead of fighting, we try to work together. Resentment doesn’t rise. The kids trust that we keep to our word and that their own word matters too. That’s not to say I don’t make missteps along the way but I think we’re getting there.
when kids struggle to keep to limits, parent needs to step in to hold those boundaries for them
Nowhere more evident than when Fighter struggled to keep to the media plan. I’m assuming most millennial parents know about the prefrontal cortex and Fighter’s definitely hasn’t developed enough to be able to exercise that level of self control against the very addictive nature of Youtube and Roblox. Heck, even we adults are addicted to scrolling.
There’s no point in shaming him for something he’s not yet equipped to do, so as the adult in the situation, I can step in and hold that boundary for him, even if it means taking one step back.
setting boundaries is an act of love
It hit me when Fighter told me he felt better with the time limit! He was stuck on a roller coaster he couldn’t escape - getting his dopamine hits then withdrawals and emotional upheaval when he wasn’t at his computer, rinse and repeat. I don’t think he liked it per se but he couldn’t say no to it either. When I did, it made him more focused, balanced and funnily enough, happier. :)
hold off on screen time as much as possible
I gotta say this again for the people in the back wtf. Learn from me wtf. Hold off the introduction of screens. Don’t give them their own phones till later. Hold off the Roblox and Youtube (if you can). But on the flip side, I also know you need that peace at meal times or when you need to work. So you do you! But maybe hold off on their own phones hahaha.
be adaptable
Parenting will never be the same for everyone. Children will always be evolving and we just gotta change with them. Every new phase of childhood will be different. When something stops working, change it up. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes and don’t be afraid to fix mistakes.
Feel free to use any of our ideas or share some of your own! Let me know in the comments.
Merry Christmas from me and the fam!
xx,
Aud.