burnout.

so i think i figured out what it is.

yep, burnout.

(a commenter in my previous post - well, the sole commenter really hahaha - was exactly spot on.)

in a way it’s a relief because prior to this i had thought it was the dreaded d. depression. doubly awful because other than fatty, another very close family member of mine was diagnosed with it and it was like, are we completing the circle or what.

but no la. i’m pretty sure it’s not depression although there certainly are symptoms that overlap. but i will still go see a professional ok.

like i’d mentioned last year was a lot. there are at least a couple of factors as to why i’m burnt out but i think it boils down to overwork, being very unforgiving toward myself and ignoring what my emotions and body were trying to tell me.

i had tightness in my chest. sometimes i felt like i couldn’t breathe. a hammering heart and nausea in my throat. insomnia. i would find myself with tears dripping down my cheeks even when doing something as ordinary as removing my makeup and i wouldn’t know why.

the worst bit was, the thing that rejuvenates extrovert me, going out and meeting people, had me anxious and stressed out instead. i canceled appointments and events that i could get out of, and lived ind read and had to mentally prepare for those that i couldn’t.

yes. the thing i love most in the world, that fills my cup and gives me energy, started to drain me and infuse me with anxiety.

i finally understand how introverts feel hahahaha.

so this year i’m going to relearn how to put myself first. to pay attention to my body and reconnect with my feelings. burnout isn’t caused by one thing and is not fixed by a mere trip or a break. i think it’s going to take time, intentional changes and remembering what it means to be audrey.

i hope writing this here reaches somebody who needed to see this, so you know you’re not alone, and that there is another equally important side from all the successes you see on ig. as i enter this season of my life, i plan to write here and document more so if you’d like to join, hit the subscribe button. :)